#11 Talk To Your Partner(s)

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Summary

The Pod answers questions about polyamory and infidelity and explores Whisper. Whisper is an online chat and meme app that allows you to post and communicate anonymously. Chastain shares the groups in which she lurks, and the Pod answers some Polyamory questions whether anyone wants us to or not.

This episode contains frank discussion of infidelity, sex, and creepy internet behavior. When in doubt… just talk to your partner! Also, we’re not experts. Mostly we’re speaking from experience. This isn’t therapy, y’all.

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Terms of Note

Here are some terms and phrases we use in this podcast and links to articles we find informative. If we say something unfamiliar to you, please drop us a line on Twitter @podpodcvltcast FB /podpodcvltcast or email: thepod@podpodcvltcast.com

• Toxic Monogamy
• Attraction
• Romantic Obsession
• Consent
• Toxic Masculinity
• New Relationship Energy
• Relationship Hierarchy
• Privilege
• Solo Polyamory
• Nesting Partner / Domestic Partner
• Infidelity in Polyamory
  
  For basic terms relating to Polyamory or Kink, please see the show notes for Episode #1 A Kinsey Hero

Resources & References

• App: Whisper
• Book: The Four Agreements
• Book: Opening Up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships

Episode 11 Transcript

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Max 00:00
How to shipmate general pal max here alias whiskey dick Calhoun, also known as the captain wanted to get at you up top and let you know that we had some Gremlins with this one. And so the audio got kind of funky, and the computation might seem kind of disjointed, and it skips in a couple places. But we talked about some stuff that we like talking about. And also we’re not experts. We just talked about stuff from our own experience. Thanks for sticking with us.

Chastain 00:29
Sorry, I was looking at a picture of a little Bumblebee bat on the finger again, because it was in my screenshots from me sharing pictures of that, Eric

00:37
was very clearly to see that

Chastain 00:39
there’s a ton of feedback so didn’t What is that?

Max 00:42
Are you just calling it that or is that what it’s called?

Chastain 00:44
That’s what I’ve been told. It’s called Oh, if you google Bumblebee back, you’ll see this cute little bass. Yeah. I highly recommend the it is bats Facebook group.

Max 00:53
Do they have aquabats on the

Chastain 00:55
they do not they do not

00:59
work there. Good,

Chastain 01:01
good, but it has premium content.

Max 01:11
Welcome to the podcast, where we talk about life, love, learning and libido, and share our journey through polyamory and cake. I’m Max. I’m Hannah. I’m Chaston. And I’m Eric.

Chastain 01:23
I know that Eric learned about this app last night. But I use an app called whisper. Are y’all familiar with whisper?

01:32
Yeah, I’m aware of Whisper aware of whisper.

Erik 01:34
I wasn’t or maybe some of the listeners that are not as well, please describe

Chastain 01:39
I there’s this app called whisper. And it’s a it’s available in the App Store. And I think it’s available for all platforms. And it is an anonymous app where you post things and put text over pictures, and it assigns you a random username that you can change but the idea is that it’s anonymous and you’re just whispering out into the universe and it has a chat. feature and people can reply to the thing that you say. And there are groups in this. And so I’m in several groups on whisper. I use whisper as a means of sex addiction management. So basically, I use whisper and adult friend Finder. And the idea is that if, if enough, if enough gross dudes messaged me about a thing, like it really helps temper whatever I’ve got going on. It’s just kind of a early it’s like, like weird aversion therapy, I get too mad about entitled male behavior. And then like, all the other chemicals just kind of died out, and I feel better about the world.

Max 02:36
I don’t know. I feel like it’s been around for a while.

Chastain 02:38
It has, um, like, local whispers. So within a certain radius of you, and you can see, you know, like, what’s going on in Richmond kind of thing. But it has all these groups and let me run down the groups I’m in on whisper. It’s not a very user friendly. Here are the groups I’m in. I’m sexual confection confessions.

Erik 02:59
Sexual confession. Sexual confection

03:04
strange confessions powdered sugar everywhere

Chastain 03:07
as a hashtag you all confessions 18 plus polyamory dating sexual confessions part do lesbian and bi girl confessions freaky sex confession slash fantasies, not safe for work confessions, polyamory sex confessions, secret sexual confessions, late night thoughts and confessions, and polyamory, parentheses, judgment free parentheses. These are the groups that I’m in. And I’m also in a fat girl group because I’m a fat girl. But that group is mostly like really fit dude to go like, Look, I have a six pack because two fat girls like six packs really strange. I don’t understand the whole thing. It’s very bizarre. So I’m in a couple of polyamory groups and I see questions come up from time to time.

03:51
Are they judgment free questions, not always No.

Chastain 03:56
But the responses are hopefully judgment free sometimes. Not always, it’s an anonymous app, you’re

04:02
gonna get your responses judgment.

Chastain 04:04
Um, my responses are direct and honest. Okay? I typically don’t respond to a lot of things though, because if you do respond and you happen to have your gender listed, you get weird messages from dudes. It’s just gonna happen because dudes have no boundaries. That was a sexual a sexist thing to say, I shouldn’t say that. So, yeah, because it’s the internet. So I have saved some fun whispers that I think would be cool to talk about. So I’m just gonna I’m gonna read something and get your reactions to them. Alright, well, we do that. We should absolutely disclaim things. Eric.

Erik 04:43
This is a podcast where we talk about love and relationships, sex and kink and polyamory issues and whatever else comes up. While we talk about these things. We’ll probably also touch on stuff like abuse and violence and mental health challenges. These can be difficult topics. So keep that in mind. Moving ahead.

Chastain 05:00
Careful, I hid behind a screen. I heard I

05:06
make eye contact with precise Brian.

Chastain 05:17
I love it. I love it.

Max 05:18
Um, so a few minutes ago, we finished an episode I get for this where we talk about parties and stuff. And we acted, and we acted like we have any authority about any goddamn thing whatsoever. So before we start talking about this and answering anonymous questions, we should also say that we’re just talking from our own experience. We’re not experts on anything. I’m really just an idiot. Oh, entertainment. cheston says he has some gravitas in training and coaching. But for the rest of us, we’re just talking about our own experience. And that’s it.

05:50
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

Erik 05:52
Thank you for that. We might want to cut and paste that went into the last episode even

05:55
Well, that’s why

Max 05:58
we talked about that. All right. Here’s

Chastain 05:59
The first question so this actually relates to an episode that we’re going to record on Tuesday that I’m actually very excited about on this this week on, people have been calling it caste Tuesdays, but there’s already a podcast called coat cast. So it’s pod podcast Tuesdays. We’re doing our testing on Tuesday, and then we’re going to talk about testing and, and all the stuff that goes along with that. So this is a question. Well, not a question, just a statement. I’m Polly with HSV, which is herpes simplex, whatever. virus, my life is over exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, crying smiley, 29. f. Dallas,

Max 06:39
look up the statistics.

Chastain 06:41
Yeah. Yeah, look at the statistics. So some of the responses I saw to this particular whisper were like, Hey, there are entire communities of people who have HSP and they just circulate within those communities. And that’s cool. Like that’s actually that’s actually you can contract different strains of herpes Yeah, from people. So I suggest Pretty please look at the statistics. herpes is not a death sentence. And it’s certainly not the end of you having a relationship with anybody. There are lots of medications to help control it. We’ll talk more about sexually transmitted infections and our next couple episodes, but just look up actual statistics and talk to your doctor about methods to control outbreaks and have honest conversations. It’s It’s It’s just not that big a deal anymore.

Erik 07:29
So I have those conversations without emoticons.

Chastain 07:34
Hey, this is a judgment free zone.

07:37
You’re allowed to have lots of messed up feelings about this. Yeah, literally what’s going on in your body is causing you to have messed up feeling? Absolutely.

Chastain 07:44
Absolutely. You’re absolutely allowed to have any feelings you want.

Erik 07:48
I wasn’t talking about the feelings. I was talking about the motorcar.

Chastain 07:51
You know,

07:53
the internet. Now Eric doesn’t

Chastain 07:55
internet aside his deal. Anything else to say on that one? Yes. Okay. Alright, so this one is just a meme I saw that I thought was funny is three panels. And the first is a picture of Simba sitting with his father Mufasa. And they’re looking over the lands and it says happily polyamorous people are everywhere the light touches. The next panel is Simba going, but what’s that shadowy place over there? And Mufasa says, that’s where unicorn hunters and fuck boys go, you must never go there. So I just found it. I found it funny because there’s a lot of there’s a lot of negative press about unicorn hunters and as an ethical unicorn Hunter. Like, yeah, there are people who don’t do it ethically and make a lot of mistakes. And there are men who don’t respect boundaries and things like that. But, you know, I think that the dark place is just a place where people who have poor boundaries and poor self control issues live right. Am I right? What do you think? I don’t know.

08:58
I think

09:01
I think that unicorn and unicorn hunter were invented as pejorative terms they describe a certain type of unethical behavior. Yeah. And so I understand that you are adopting that in a playful way. But I also just because that refers that’s just a blanket category not

Chastain 09:18
misbehaving. Yeah people must behave that

Max 09:20
well and to respond to the what versus like panel before they got there are happy monogamous people everywhere, though, like I just sat there unhappy, ethically non monogamous, beautiful,

Erik 09:32
but invalid me next.

Chastain 09:35
I think it’s important to point out that there is no better type of relationship style, and I think that doesn’t mean

Max 09:43
your happiness isn’t dictated by

Chastain 09:45
Yeah, I agree. All right, next, how long did it take for you to stop being jealous and you’re polyamorous really, nobody’s ever stop mixed. It’s not a speed round. I mean, it took me a long time. And I still have jealousy issue. Yeah, that’s

Max 10:03
what I’m saying. I don’t think this don’t really go off. It’s your manage. Yeah, it manifests itself in a different way. Or you’re able to like stop and look at it. But yeah, I and our toxic monogamy commerce my,

Chastain 10:18
um, when I have feelings of jealousy, when I’ve had them in the past, I find that time has really been a big cure for that, because, and also, as I’m also respecting my boundaries in the first place, and then knowing where those boundaries are so that if I feel like going a little bit beyond it’s feel safer. Like a thing that bothered me three years ago doesn’t bother me now. And it’s because I’ve had the experience I learned through pop proper handling of the experience that’s not going to hurt or scare me, and they’re not going to lose relationship over it. I can have the experience again, and it’s safe and enjoyable at that point, and then I don’t have the jealousy or the anxiety, feelings and insecurities. Anybody else

Erik 10:56
knows pretty good. Next Next up

Chastain 10:59
I just found My wife’s boyfriend is married. That’s cool, but then discovered that his wife doesn’t know about the affair. It’s one thing to know. And another not to. It’s hard not to see my wife differently now.

11:13
Oh, that was a weird twist. Yeah,

Chastain 11:14
it has, like a sharp m Night Shyamalan twist at the end. I just found out my wife’s boyfriend is married. That’s cool. And but then I discovered that his wife doesn’t know that he’s having an affair with my wife. And now I view my wife differently.

Erik 11:28
Because she’s taken. I don’t,

Chastain 11:31
yeah, because she’s having she’s engaging with somebody who is having an who is cheating, as opposed to having an ethical thing.

11:40
Okay, I do get that actually. Because I feel like in that position, I would say, you know, I don’t know that other couple. I don’t know what their you know, their deal is so I’m not going to judge them. But the person I’m with, I had a different standard of behavior for them, right. Oh, yeah. That’s,

Max 11:58
that’s Yeah, that’s the suit Testing You and I have had exposure swinger things with sliding scale, right home partner or whatever. And I think I mean, it’s not really something I’m but I think we landed on deal and their problem and kind of what you’re saying handle like you don’t know what’s going on,

Chastain 12:18
you’ve really challenged me. If someone lies to others, they will also lie to me. And I don’t want that drama in my life. Right. But, you know, I think you’ve added a more nuanced view, and I’m not in a position to make that. Well, I think what you just said is the important thing, I’m not in a position to make a call for somebody else. If I consent to be with this person, and they consent to be with me, that’s the decision that they’ve made. And their other relationships only affect me if they affect me. And if if they bring that information, so if they’re choosing not to tell somebody, yeah, that’s going to be a red flag for me, because that’s going to show me that maybe there’s a level of self awareness or emotional maturity or boundary setting that they don’t have, but if they But I but the thing is, is that it’s my responsibility to ask questions about that. It’s my responsibility to go like, okay, so you you have a spouse, and you’re not telling them that you’re involved with me? Does that mean that they don’t know that you have sex with other people that they don’t know that you date other people? What does that look like? And how are you being safe about things? Like what are your testing practices? Are you getting tested regularly? I get tested regularly like, and those are just like pre relationship or pre dating conversations anyway. So you know, and there are and continuing Converse and continuing conversations. I’ve there have been a number of people who’ve messaged me, and they’re like, well, they don’t know. And so I’ll start asking those questions. And the testing thing is usually the thing that is like my big like that that gets them out of the game. That’s the third strike because they don’t want to go to the doctor because they don’t want their like spouse to find out or the doctor knows their spouse, whatever. There are ways to get tested that are anonymous. So that’s if you’re if you’re telling me that then that means you’re not going honest and you’re not being safe. Right? So that’s a red flag for me. Anybody else? All right, some of my partners don’t get along their metaphors. what suggestions do you have to try to get them to see more common ground?

Max 14:13
They don’t have to net Yeah, they don’t have to.

14:16
I feel sorry for that person who’s sick. It’s my job to mediate everywhere.

Erik 14:20
Yeah, that’s Yeah, exactly. Nor is it.

Chastain 14:23
And this specifically says they don’t get along. It doesn’t say that they’re just they don’t, you know, want to hang out or anything it says they don’t get along. So that’s a source of conflict. You know, I think we would need more information about why they don’t get along.

Max 14:36
I mean, if you if it’s if the setup is that this is quote fingers kitchen table, Holly am and that’s not possible with the partners that they have. That’s that’s kind of the reality of your situation. Yeah, I mean, I think we have had, we’ve definitely had an occasion where I’ve dated people that you haven’t gotten along with chasin mostly in the inverse like I don’t think there’s anybody that you’ve dated that I haven’t gotten along with, there have certainly been that you’ve dated that I didn’t really want to hang out.

Chastain 15:07
So yeah, this is, and this is important thing that I want. I want you to respect that I’m a grown up, and I can make decisions for myself. And if I enjoy my time with that person, that’s for me, and it doesn’t have anything to do with you. I want the same of anybody else. The fact that you and Eric get along, and like, enjoy each other’s company, and we all hang out in the four of us. And the fact that Hannah and I get along, like, I think that this is a really special and hard work force situation.

Max 15:34
And it’s just, it’s just a bonus. It’s just a bonus. Right? It’s

Chastain 15:39
not a requirement, right? Um, you know,

Erik 15:41
are we talking about then, kind of the difference between tolerance and acceptance?

Chastain 15:45
I think so. But I feel like I should say that if you feel like your partner is in some kind of danger, flags, that’s a whole different matter. You should always feel free to speak up and say I am concerned about the things that I’m seeing. Right? Can we discuss this? You know, and here’s what I’m seeing. How do you feel about it? There are ways to have those conversations that aren’t like your, your partner sucks, and they’re toxic and I hate them. Yeah, but if they don’t, they just don’t get along. Like if they’re, if they’re like, if those two people aren’t getting along, and they can’t just be jovial around each other and respectful of one another. And that’s another problem, too. If it’s like from the original posters perspective, if what you want out of poly is for everybody to get along, and I’m sorry, the problem Yeah, you’re gonna have to talk to each of your partners separately and ask if they will come together and talk as group. Ask for consent.

16:41
It’s tough. It’s so monogamy. It’s so traumatic for us to think that there’s any reason other than like a personal failure of love. That could make relationships not compatible when sometimes householder dinner every night and this isn’t good for me. Also valid Yeah,

Chastain 16:55
I agree with that. Okay, next up, I think my wife would enjoy A boyfriend by a poly relationship. I think my wife would enjoy a boyfriend by a poly relationship, but they have to be over nine inches or more. everyone just wants one night stands. I’m in New Jersey.

Max 17:16
That’s a pretty loop reach. Do you like I don’t know anybody who isn’t at least

Chastain 17:23
I’m pretty sure they’re talking about genitals size. And by genitals I mean a penis.

17:29
So Oh, great.

Chastain 17:31
Happiness. Is that is that a reference to something? What

Max 17:35
is it?

Chastain 17:36
You know, when it’s from The Beverly Hillbillies movie. Lia Thompson plays a fake French Au Pair or nanny or what have you. And she says, happiness.

Max 17:48
Yeah, solve it. So we’re done with that one because we figured out happiness.

Chastain 17:55
Happiness.

Max 17:57
This is

Chastain 17:58
I think my wife wouldn’t do boyfriend via poly relationship. So they want to have they want their wife to have a relationship, or they think their wife would enjoy this if they haven’t. But they have to have a big dick.

Max 18:08
They haven’t had a conversation with the wife because he thinks the wife wouldn’t. Yeah,

Erik 18:12
this this is in general kind of smacks of a false post. Well,

Chastain 18:17
no, no, this is a legitimate thing that I see all the time. Right? Yes, I see that post where the husband suspects that Polly could be a thing their wife could be into. And I’m going to talk to everybody else in the world. But my wife, right. It

18:32
just feels like an insecurity like I feel I have a shortcoming and my wife deserves better. So I’ll go find someone

Chastain 18:39
or I have a fetish for seeing my wife with better and I’m trying to arrange a situation to fulfill my own fantasies that really has nothing to do with what my wife wants,

Erik 18:47
right, which is kind of the opposite of what was posted.

Chastain 18:51
Right? But we’re trying to break this down from

Erik 18:57
requisite, New Jersey

Chastain 19:00
Jersey Devils why the Jersey Devil thinks their wife might

Max 19:04
have. So let’s see, we’ve talked about Oh, is our opening day q&a thing, okay. And like the difference in perception of polyamory.

Chastain 19:13
Okay. Oh, that was a question from Sydney, in Oxford, not anywhere in Australia,

Max 19:21
Canberra can still suck in any of it, about the perception of polyamory last 10 years. And it has been right right if you will know that it represents having multiple relationships, right. And what this person is saying is he wants his wife to have a regular partner or regular sex partner who has a giant dick. Yes, because they have this person this poster has a fetish for that. They are saying I think my wife polyamorous and what they mean is I want my wife to have a

Chastain 19:53
I agree with that,

Max 19:54
right? Because now people think polyamory

Chastain 19:57
Well, it does mean multiple relationships does it It doesn’t mean fucking multiple people. That’s right. You don’t have to have sex to be polyamorous. There are many, many platonic and asexual relationships to

Max 20:08
be polyamorous.

Chastain 20:10
Okay, should we solve that one then?

20:12
I have thought about this one, there is the problem of like putting specific sticks in an

Chastain 20:16
ad. That’s what I wanted to talk about. So as a fat girl, as a specific body type month, if like my body type is fetishized by a certain population, and if somebody just wants a fat girlfriend, but that’s it like that, that’s really uncomfortable for me. I have problems with being defined by my physical characteristics and not my care.

20:46
My wife. My wife would like to have a polyamorous girlfriend situation with someone chubby.

Chastain 20:54
Yes, it’s gross. It’s gross. It doesn’t mean being gross. It means that like specifying Yeah, my like, yeah. Now when I see those ads, this is usually what it means. And usually when they post that it means we are both not height, weight proportion, or what have you. So we want somebody else back. So we don’t feel bad about ourselves. That like that’s true. Yeah, that’s true.

Max 21:15
Yeah, that can also mean, we are attracted to this body.

Chastain 21:19
And that’s actually true, but more often than not, as Yeah, my experience has been, but I want to talk about the fact that there are lots of married men out there and I hope that a couple of them are maybe listening to this podcast. Talk to your partner’s Please hurry

Max 21:37
man right here. Hi, married man.

21:40
Ever had a suspicion that your wife would enjoy

Chastain 21:44
a big dick. Talk to them and ask the question, would you enjoy a big deck? There are lots of people who reach out to other places as sort of like a crowdsourcing, that’s fine, definitely crowdsource but here’s the thing when your partner finds out you crowdsourcing information about your relationship with them that can feel hurtful and like betrayal. So consider. Instead making a list or talking to one trusted person, or asking one trusted person some questions, or seeking out professional help like a relationship coach or a therapist. There are lots of resources on the web. Don’t just start asking random strangers to fulfill your fantasy for you. If you if this is something you truly want with your partner, have a conversation with them. If you don’t know how to have the conversation, I can recommend several books opening up as a great one. Really, really should check it out. But just fucking talk to your partners. I don’t understand why this is so hard. This is what I encounter, encounter at least six to seven times a day. Married dude who wants to open up their relationships, but they won’t have a conversation with their spouse because they’re afraid of judgment. They’re afraid they’re is gonna want to divorce and most importantly, they’re afraid their spouse is going to say no. But as long as they are having that discussion, they’re prolonging the fantasy that it’s a possibility.

Max 23:10
But that’s not healthy for anybody. You should like things that are answered. Like one of them. Yeah, talk to your partner. Yeah, another another answer to most questions is usually Big Boy or big person.

23:24
How much more scary is it to like, a dress every nine inch stick in New Jersey? Yeah, perspective.

23:30
That’s where they make

23:36
the Jersey Devil is. Anyone a Jersey Devil is just a walking penis.

Chastain 23:45
Yeah, talk to your partners. Talk to partners. Okay. Next question. I think this one’s a good one. I’m Polly and my current boyfriend does Ellie I follow Holly am I’m gonna sick I’m gonna I’m gonna Like this, I’m Polly and my current boyfriend doesn’t know yet. I’m debating on how to tell him any suggestions because the answer be talk to your partner. Yeah, right.

Max 24:10
Off the top low objection

Chastain 24:12
head for Yeah.

Max 24:13
Yeah. Like you are interested in romantic religion. You are not Oh, yeah, that’s that’s my opinion. Other people disagree. But I don’t I don’t

Erik 24:22
I I also I had to brought a term to be an identifier.

Chastain 24:25
I agree. I don’t believe that, or relationship style, or nor a play or kink or sexual style, like BDSM, or kink are orientations. I don’t believe that those orientations. I believe your, your sexual, like partner preference is an orientation. That’s it. And I know that like you refer to yourself as polyamory frequently do you identify as like I’m a polyamorous person and this is just who I am in the world.

25:00
I really think that that is shorthand and maybe kind of sloppy shorthand. It is where I consider important. I can absolutely understand getting well into a relationship and being like, well, So when’s the right time to bring this up? Because there’s no one I’m my life right now. But it could happen and how long you know, how long is too low? That freaks me out way more than once. So but I don’t think it would be accurate to say that it’s a choice. It’s also like, I value

25:30
I think it’s a trick of terminology. Nice.

Chastain 25:33
I and I frequently say, you know, we need to speak from the same lexicon we need to be using the same dictionary. And if we if we don’t think we are we need to talk about what our dictionary say individually.

25:42
Um, I think I have friends who would not say as don’t have that conversation to having that maker. I think that’s a great way to handle it. I think that is

Max 25:52
yes, way to handle that. So like, when is it too late? You said it’s a matter of conversation, is it there isn’t to bring in right now. When you meet that person, then it’s too late to have that conversation because that’s that’s a different conversation. Yeah, man. I am open to this thing, right? I’ve met somebody else. Exactly. It’s an entirely different conversation. Well, that’s the way it happens for a lot of people does.

26:15
So somewhere like anxiety, and I had whenever I was like, Okay, I have this good friend. I’m in a process of like, coming out with myself. And I want them to know that I’m pansexual. Will they think I’m coming on to them just because I share the information. You know, it’s like, there’s an implied action. And I’m like, hey, not you, but I’m interested in dating women.

Chastain 26:39
I’m gonna have to mention the Four Agreements. Now. Don’t take it personally. Somebody’s reaction to you is not your responsibility. So if you give somebody information, how they react to it, and assumptions that they make, you shouldn’t be making assumptions, but it’s not your responsibility. And I think that’s a part of anxiety that we all kind of cultivate, is that with anxiety, we think that like, it’s a About us, and we take those things personally and it’s not. I think personally, I think it is important to put it out there like as soon as possible it is on my Tinder profile, my OKC profile that I am in relationships and that I am polyamorous and what that means to me? I want somebody to know up front because I’m not interested in dating somebody who is new, new new new to polyamory. I’m also not interested in dating somebody who’s monogamous. My preferred relationship style is polyamory. At this time, I’m not interested in dating Anybody else? I’m good. I’m not looking to add partners in any way shape or form. So you know, just I just think he should put it out there as soon as possible. Yeah. For me, that’s a first date conversation, but really, it should be a first text message conversation.

Max 27:50
I’ve had started low there’s many years ago I’ve had that right, my little blue bio blur, you know, and I try to freeze anyway. And freeze The response is like, Oh, you’re so funny. Well, good, because it was meant to be light hearted, but it’s also true. You know, so I never have understood why people, why women, women would think that think that I’m writing a thing that would disqualify me from most matches is a joke. Yeah, I phrased that really weird, but you get

Chastain 28:28
I get what you’re saying. Yeah, I get you’re saying, Eric, you’re also on Tinder. And all that. And on OkCupid. You your profiles mentioned that you’re ethically non monogamous, right. Yes. What has been your experience with that?

Erik 28:42
I don’t really get very many responses anyway. So but I have had people I have had what few people I have talked to say, hey, that’s great that you say that first? Yeah, that’s Yeah. And They typically have a million questions. Hmm.

Chastain 29:03
Yeah, I think that there’s the hard part of like putting it out there is that people do want to ask questions. And so I, you know, I don’t mind answering questions, but there’s a lot of emotional labor in that for me. And I also think that there are so many better resources out there, though. You’re talking to me. So I’m like, hey, Google is your friend. The top three search results are probably going to help you out. How do I talk to my partner about polyamory? How do I become polyamorous? How do I have a polyamorous relationship, why there’s polyamory all of these things can be found in a search engine. Just use Google. I am not Google for you. There’s that web link that like let me Google that for you. They send to people yeah. Yeah, I think it’s important to put it out there at a time. Obviously, this person has not put it out there ahead of time.

29:50
So I think no, like, if you’re afraid to share it, you have no control already down the bad road like you should. Yeah, you have no

Chastain 29:57
control over that. You don’t know how they’re going to work. So you might as well talk about it sooner rather than any more on that one. Okay? I’m in a polyamorous relationship and I got cheated on the sex doesn’t matter the lying hurts that cheating as possible in polyamory we should go ahead and say that

Max 30:16
I really don’t know what more to say about like yeah but when it’s ready I mean that’s really like the essence of any I don’t I’ve never liked I think that it denigrates the act itself like it makes it like I mean it makes it kind of a cheap thing. Well term would you use

Chastain 30:36
betrayal is the one that comes to mind from betrayal

Max 30:38
like, you know, being horrible I might say infidelity. But anyway, like the whole thing about the lying lying sucks. It’s you know, I say to you mostly joking, when we’re playing around. Like it’s the lies that hurt, you know, but it’s true, but it’s true.

30:56
And I’m sure you know our relationships. That is Doing that is the relationship sex is not

31:04
breaking agreements, breaks.

Max 31:07
Right? And I think that you know, you you, obviously because you brought this to us, like you’re a much more current frequent user of Whisper than I am. But when we were both playing with a lot more I would you know is sending pictures to another person cheating is this cheating is

Chastain 31:28
the question I asked a partner here the question I asked is, would the thing that you’re doing hurt your partner if they knew, right? If it wouldn’t hurt their partner if they knew about it, it probably doesn’t hurt them if they don’t know about it. But it’s at the point at which you’re doing something that you think could hurt or betray or violate somebody’s consent to be in the relationship with you. At that point. Yes, you are cheating you are you’re committing infidelity. And yeah, again, like as somebody who talks to lots of frustrated married people who are Just trying to open up and stuff, you know, it’s like, well, you know, I don’t tell them what I’m doing because we’re staying together for the kids or I don’t tell them what I’m doing because I just don’t think they understand and whatever, whatever, whatever. And I always go back to like, what are you getting tested regularly? You know, like, if you’re having sex with your spouse and such with other people, and they don’t know, you’re being unsafe, and you’re putting your family at risk. And that that’s a huge violation. That’s that’s as bad as the betrayal itself. So I think that sex is bad, simply because STI has come into the picture. And if you’ve had sex with somebody else, like if you everybody needs to get tested at that point, the spouse included.

Max 32:41
Well, and yeah, so everything just comes back. Yeah, the people you’re with. Yeah, so Japan are very strict agreements about it.

Chastain 32:47
And people often have miscommunications about the things that they have agreed to, which is why I highly recommend having a more formal relationship agreement written down that you revisit, every now and then or at least Have the conversations, the check in conversations. I think if you’re doing something and you’re not sure if it’s within the bounds of the agreement, and you’re not asking questions, yeah, you’re still committing an act of betrayal. If you know that it’s shady or know that it’s in the gray area, and you’re not asking because you’re like, well, there’s this kind of loophole where I get to do this. That’s not okay. It is exciting to push limits, and sometimes we make mistakes, but we need to be honest about that with ourselves and then with others. I mean, I’ve been cheating on who’s been cheating on this room. Show of hands just just hear me.

33:33
I thought well, I mean, me and Eric are both raising our hands right now.

Max 33:36
Yeah, I’m gonna abstain occupiers Yeah, what I consider Yeah, so I get that.

Chastain 33:45
Hi, this is Justin from the pod pod podcast. We’d like to take a second to thank our Patreon patrons are called Bursars, Jenny and Chuck, they’re making it possible for us to keep our episodes available indefinitely and also produce more content every month. Our patrons can exclusive access to episodes of the cast media club where we talk about books, movies, basically anything that has something to do with kink or polyamory if you’d like to support us go to www.patreon.com slash podcast. Remember that’s caught with a V for just $1 a month you get access to our exclusive RSS feed and a little bit of love from our captain Max, thank you so much for believing. Next up, I told my boyfriend who is totally monogamous. I missed polyamorous relationships while I was drunk the other night. He wasn’t mad, but he hasn’t said anything else about it since. And I don’t know what he’s thinking. Haha.

Max 35:11
He’s thinking about Reddit. He’s thinking about what he’s having for lunch. He’s not thinking about this thing you said while you were drunk let it go.

Chastain 35:19
Or talk to your partner

35:23
How am I supposed to know what your partner’s thinking? If you’re not asking

Chastain 35:28
so surprise you may not know this but mind reading is not a real thing. Nobody can read your mind Don’t assume haha Four Agreements that they can’t

35:40
at this point it’s just a challenge we’re just getting a pass like your partner is choosing not to hold against you or hurtful thing that you’ve said while intoxicated. But was it

Chastain 35:49
hurtful to say like I’m I’m polyamorous like just because monogamous doesn’t say that.

Max 35:54
Yeah, I’ve missed polyamorous relationships.

Chastain 35:56
Yeah, and I don’t think that’s a hurtful thing, necessarily.

36:00
Just saying that I guess like the worst possible just not talking about the thing is like maybe they they weren’t comfortable with it but decided not to call you out. Right? Because, like, computation avoided, right? Yeah, it’s easier just like, you know, it happens between all of us like, yeah, you know, we’re fine letting it go to have pieces fine, but I feel like if you are the ones still dwelling on it, you’ve got to be the one to bring it back up and say, Hey, we actually do need to have it was you know this appreciate that I say

Max 36:30
or do when

Chastain 36:32
I got really drunk last night and I’m fell up some stairs, so let’s just yeah, I’m gonna I’m calling myself out on it. So you don’t y’all don’t you don’t have to tell nursing. This is embarrassing for me. But I just want to say, Eric, you and I now have matching Shin bruises. I have my bruises on the same place.

Erik 36:56
On the ship.

Chastain 36:56
Yep. It’s pretty funny. Okay. here’s a here’s one. I think this one’s really loaded with some good stuff or bad stuff We’ll see. One of the good things about polyamory is that we were in a sexual drought. And then we started talking about bringing in another lady. And now my wife is all over me this weekend. It’s rekindled the flame

37:19
that’s swinging. Well, that swinging

Chastain 37:21
one that’s also using polyamory as a band aid for your existing relationships as opposed to addressing the problem head on.

Max 37:28
And also patient post fulfilling a fantasy.

37:32
Well, I mean, it’s also a thing where like, this is the thing, the hammer station, and he’s like, okay, go explore your bisexuality. And then she has coffee with someone know anyone in particular, like one time and then they’re like, never mind. We’re good. Because I feel like this happens all the time. And I don’t know if it’s like, women think that they want a thing and then very understandably, they’re nervous about how it’s gonna impact their relationship or is it like our relationship just got better because you went on one date?

Chastain 38:02
Well, I think that a couple things. I mean, that whole new relationship energy and that chemical excitement when you’re excited about another person absolutely rubs off on your other relationships because it affects you. Um, but also, I mean, Pillow Talk is nice. I mean, sure. Yeah. I mean, Pillow Talk

Max 38:19
is nice, like, and whether it was bringing in any other people or not, it was changing the routine. Exactly. Exactly. I talked about having sex with other people. And now like, we have really hot sets while we’re talking about having sex. Yeah. Anybody necessarily follows through on it?

Chastain 38:35
Yeah, I think a lot more time more often than not people are too nervous to take that next step and like do the work that it requires to actually get out there and date dating sucks so badly. I mean, that’s not fun.

Max 38:47
Yeah, you know, I I feel like I don’t know what was in this person’s head that like posted this. Like, I feel like previous one that polyamory just something else. You know what I mean?

Chastain 38:58
Well, I think we should Say that poly fuckery, which is basically swinging falls under the polyamorous umbrella, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re having a relationship with someone. Oh brella

Max 39:10
is a polyamory? Well, it’s

Erik 39:12
a type of poly. I think it’s a term that’s bandied about so much that it’s who knows what anything means? Well, no, I just mean in the sense that like, it’s it’s almost like the thing to say, Oh, I’m falling out, like much like, I don’t know, five, six years ago when it was like, Oh, I have a gluten allergy. Yeah.

Chastain 39:31
Yeah. When you eat bread Okay, this one’s just a positive comment. I thought it touches on something. We touched on another positive

Erik 39:43
comments on there. Okay,

Chastain 39:46
I’m so excited. I’m not getting my hopes up. But I think I may have found a boyfriend that my husband can be friends with.

Max 39:57
That’s everybody’s go. You know? Follow, I think I’m the only Reddit user here. Yes, you are here. So I follow like all the policies. And there’s but there’s one in particular, that is pretty much posts. It’s a lot of like, cute pictures like, Oh, look at like my husband and my boyfriend. I like partner Bragg’s cars together, you know, whatever.

Chastain 40:18
I have a picture of you and Eric fixing this couch or trying to fix this couch. And it’s one of my favorite pictures. It doesn’t really show your faces at all. It’s just you to kind of in motion and blurry, but you’re working on it. But you’re working on a thing together and it’s just, I don’t know, touches my heart in a special way.

Max 40:33
You know, and we used to see a lot, I guess, but people we know like talking about either their partner breaks as you say, or they’re like weird cakes or whatever, and saying my life doesn’t suck. Yeah, you know, that’s a big thing you see all the time in tests. Like, when you and I early on, we’re having a harder time with having much other fuckin mad Like my life doesn’t remember.

Chastain 41:04
Remember, we’ve talked about how envy is expressed as anger. And both you and Eric Yeah, that

41:09
my, my husband’s best friend finally joined our relationship is for some reason, the most adorable that I can wrong. And I don’t know if it’s just like, it’s just harder to come across I think wholesome multiple males in that relationship like stories for some reason. And I just find Best of luck.

Max 41:32
You know, one of the like, advice is that I would like to date and so that’s like, right, like if your husband has a really close friend who’s always hanging out and the three of you

Chastain 41:42
that I guess I don’t like it at all his friends. Kidding. Um, there’s an excellent episode of The Magicians show on sci fi, where two of the magicians find themselves too stuck in kind of a time loop that they can’t leave And so they grow old together and have a family together. And they’re both male. And it’s just I saw the entire episode. I’ve watched this episode so many times, one of these days, I’m going to get all of you to watch it with me. It’s just a beautiful It’s a beautiful talent. Now, I watched a couple of minutes. I didn’t watch the whole thing. You’ve heard me talk a lot. I showed you them singing stuff from Les Mis. Um, but yeah, so I like that the thought of the like growing old together and stuff with the people that you just love. I mean, it’s beautiful. You know, I want to grow old with all of y’all. But I don’t get old so

42:40
you’re just gonna watch us?

Chastain 42:42
Yeah. Okay, next up. Okay, we’re recording

Erik 42:45
and we’re back.

42:46
You don’t have to do that. They don’t know we went away,

Erik 42:49
right? No.

Chastain 42:53
Okay. And the next whisper posts I have what we’re doing right now is we’re kind of going through the app whisper Looking at some polyamory questions and comments and giving our perspective and we just wanna remind everybody that we are not experts that I Chaston have experience as a life and relationship coach and, and working with kinky and polyamorous people. So I have training in this area. However, we’re all just speaking from our experiences and speaking about these casually, we’re going to make mistakes along the way. So be patient with us and please give us feedback. You can send us an email at the pod at pod podcast comm or you can contact us on any social media, which is all on our website, which is pod podcast calm. So yeah, getting back to it. Here’s the next one I have for you. My partner, parentheses, a female at birth non binary, on parentheses, broke up with their girlfriend, and now they are saying that they might want to be mono for a while. turned off. I can’t. I can’t. I need them to have other ones. relationships. It’s too much pressure for me. And I think that the context of this is it’s too much pressure for me to be in a relationship with somebody who is not dating other people.

Erik 44:10
I’m sorry, I couldn’t get past that. Were you pronouncing things with a Z and affecting some weird fake German accent? No, there was no German accent it was just there and say why I

Chastain 44:22
thought the posts that’s what the post says. it’s it’s a it’s one of the two gender neutral gender neutral terms of using there

Erik 44:30
today. I guess it a touch.

Chastain 44:33
Yeah, well, there’s that rocky live under so I’m gonna always

Erik 44:38
genuinely I didn’t hear what the post was. Again past that. That would be lovely.

Chastain 44:44
You want me to trance translate it with a help my partner?

Erik 44:48
Nope. I just get here to get it before

Chastain 44:50
my partner a female at birth non binary individual broke up with their girlfriend and now they are saying that they might want to be minimal. For a while, I can’t implied be monogamous for a while. I need them my partner to have other relationships. It’s too much pressure for me. Mm hmm. It is. But everybody’s thinking Really?

Erik 45:15
I think how would you approach that basin with this? This is not what I signed up in the not wanting to take on all roles since?

Chastain 45:23
Well, I think they want to be monogamous for a while isn’t they want to not see other people for a while. I think it’s a valid thing to ask for sure. But it sounds like this person doesn’t consent to that. Right. And they’re stressed out about that.

45:36
It does make me wonder if what, what boundaries or like temporary rules could we set up that would know what are your concerns about me not seeing somebody else? Because, you know, it seems like this. It sounds like by making this post that’s an expression, an intent and a desire to work through it. My

Chastain 45:53
Yeah. So I’ve worked with people who have had, they’ve had times when they The the polyamory part of their relationship is struggling. And, and or they’re having other areas of struggle, and the time spent with other people is causing stress. And so I suggest, you know, a, a specifically defined time period of a pause, which is, is as it’s sometimes hard for people because, you know, you see, you see people who have the addiction to the NRA and the addiction to the attention from other people and stuff like that, and it can be challenging to adjust to stop quote, unquote, but you’re not stopping. You’re your partner’s asking you for time to sort some things out and giving you a specific end date for that. So there have been periods in my relationship with Max when I said, Hey, you know, like, Can we focus on us right now can can, I’m having I’m struggling. Can we have a week where you don’t see other people and Things like that. And Eric, you know, I’ve had times when I’ve said like, Hey, I don’t want to talk about tender other people right now like, I’m just I’m not in the right place for it. Can we have a little a little break from that and a break from the like seeking other people kind of thing? And it’s gone? Well, because you consented to it, and we’ve talked about it.

Max 47:17
Yeah. But it’s the tough part of it is if you have an established relationship, and I kind of missed the question, if you have an established relationship, it does feel unfair to say to your other partner, I can’t hang out with you, right? It’s perfectly valid to say that, but it can feel unfair.

Chastain 47:35
Well, I it can feel unfair. But I view it as setting a boundary, I view it as saying, hey, to, to maintain my own personal health, emotionally and physically, all of that stuff. I need some sense. I need to focus on this area of my life for this specific period of time. Can we set a can we set a date for after that period of time, and I’m not talking about like months upon months upon months If it’s going to be more than like a four week period, that’s a more serious conversation than talking about just not seeing other people for a while. But you know, if it’s like a, it’s like if it’s a week or two, so you can spend some dedicated quality time with a partner. I don’t see a problem with not seeing somebody else for a week or two. But that’s me. I understand that that can

48:17
be a partner not a concern. Yeah.

Chastain 48:19
So

48:20
I don’t want to date you if you’re not dating someone else. It’s pretty harsh to somebody who just going through a breakup. I need you to hurry up and get partnered again and quickly because I can’t Yeah, that was

Erik 48:29
right. through me about that whole thing.

Chastain 48:32
Yeah. I think that’s post is saying like, oh, like one I don’t want to be monogamous with you. To like, I don’t want the pressure of being your only partner. I completely understand.

48:44
Yeah, I have no idea how I’d,

Chastain 48:46
I think the conversation that I think it comes down to establishing if, you know, if if there are things that you’re worried about having happen in the relationship, talk to your partner. But, but if it’s if you’re worried about that person being more demanding of your time or more demanding of your emotional resources. You can always encourage them to talk to friends about stuff. I mean, it’s hard when a partner goes through a breakup. Can we take a quick second and talk about that? Because I think that’s an important thing to talk about. Yeah.

Max 49:13
And it’s hard for you to go through a breakup right and have other partner for myself, like I had. Specifically I’m talking about going through a breakup while I’m also married to you. The only experience I have to speak to here, but like it, you know, I try to lessen the impact on you because that also feels unfair. Yeah, no.

Chastain 49:38
Well, I feel like it is perfectly okay. If you’ve gone through a breakup, just seek comfort in the people that make you feel comfortable and safe. And, but but ask for it. Like it comes back to consent. Like ask if that person has the emotional resources to give it. And unfortunately, Max, I think for you and I, in times when you’ve been going through a breakup, there happened to that affected me and I’ve had to pull back and take care of myself. And I haven’t been able to offer that comfort to you. But also, I’m not a huge comfort seeker now like, I’m on our love you Love hiding under a blanket. I respect that blankets are awesome. But I mean, you’ve, you’ve been around me through several breakups. I mean, like a parent, I broke up like, you had two partners. from both Yeah, you

50:24
got up on both sides. That’d

50:25
be so fun.

Max 50:28
I don’t know what else to say about it. It was difficult in it, that that’s a very particular because now a lot of people separate relationships that way. But that’s really hard, because like maintaining both uphold and trying to be like I talked about it,

Chastain 50:46
you know, I just had a thought and follow me because it’s a not a not a well formed thought. As you know, my relationship style is polyamory. But I I think that I also have a breakup style. I think my breakup style is that I prefer to approach problems head on, as opposed to letting them linger. And if I’m not comfortable, I will enforce my boundaries. But I also seek comfort from the people who make me feel a sense of comfort. There are people who just want to be left alone and like eat ice cream and cry. There are people who want to get back out there. For me, I’m not to get back out there person for me, I’m more of a let me think about this. What could I have done better? I did everything I could on my end, you know, like, what can I learn from this relationship? So I think I think that the idea of, right like, I don’t like I said, this is not for me, a fully formed

Erik 51:47
thought you mean is how you process it,

Chastain 51:51
process it. I mean, we we all have ways that we process that stuff. I don’t think that that way is necessarily unique to the specific relationship. They’re absolutely aspects of it, like including time and things like that. I think the longer you’re in a relationship with somebody, the longer it takes to get over that relationship. But I think ultimately, like I have a way that I process everything in my life and all bought, like all negative things that happen. And that applies to my relationships. Do you think that you have a breakup style? Like, do you have a ritual form when you break up or some some steps you have to take to get yourself back out there or not out there? Do you just harm it away? Do you confide in friends? I don’t

Max 52:31
think I’ve I don’t think I’ve left getting back out there. I think that what I have done tried at least try to comment types, because it feels like a safe way to rebound. Gotcha, right. Because, you know, it’s somebody that I know and like and have an affection for and have a history with and I can like it feels like I can rebound a little bit without maybe leaving somebody else hanging, you know what I mean? I get that and it’s also like surface as well. And,

Chastain 53:01
Eric, you came out of a pretty long term relationship before you and I met. Mm hmm. And you’ve had some breakups in the past do you have? Do you think you have a specific style or see this series of things you go through? Or?

Erik 53:14
Well, you mean, you mentioned the phrase hermit away?

Chastain 53:19
Thinking of you, yes, I’m

Erik 53:20
prone to doing that somewhat.

Chastain 53:23
What’s the benefit there for you

Erik 53:24
just thinking? No, but what I often in reality do is just kind of circle back around to other aspects that we’re not necessarily connected to that relationship. It’ll. Some of them would be but one thing that I often would would be to just, you know, drive around places that haven’t been for a while. Or, I don’t know eat a food that didn’t typically do

Chastain 53:56
so in the past, okay, connect or a new finding of yourself. Yeah, very much so like self discovery. Yeah, I think I do that to have a bit of a shedding of skin sort of thing.

Erik 54:06
Yeah, like in a half joking specific sort of way, like, my last partner was very bland as far as the food that she would eat. And so that meant that I was also very limited in what I could cook. And I was never really allowed to use very much garlic and then when I moved back to America and said, You know what, I’m gonna garlic the shit out of this.

54:31
Yeah, and the smoked paprika.

Erik 54:34
That’s delicious stuff. And

Chastain 54:36
I still need to try your redneck curry redneck curry. Yeah. Hannah, do you think you have a breakup style or some kind of ritual

54:48
or habit?

Chastain 54:51
Yeah, I don’t know. Good. I don’t know. No. pattern. No, no, maybe.

54:57
Um, well, like we talked about before. jumped, you know, into early years of skills whenever that ended. So it took me like two years to kind of put my brain back together and figure out what to move forward. And I wasn’t interested in dating at all during that time, I invested in myself and also in friendships. And I don’t think that was a bad choice. But I do think that subsequent to that, anytime I felt like something was ending or something wasn’t right, I pushed really, really hard for resolution so that I could start putting my life back together and figuring out what I thought and how I felt if I go ahead and just like finish this, it’s gonna be over. And a great strategy. I think it could be you know, I don’t know, hurtful, unnecessarily harsh and rushed thing, but I also do tend to trips which can be a great experience.

Chastain 55:51
I see that too. And I think one of the things I’ve learned along the way is to value my friendships as much as my relation my romantic partnerships. Because, you know, these are people who know me intimately, maybe not physically intimately, but emotionally intimate, you know, my friends are the ones I turn to when I need help or advice, or crisis management or care or what have you. And so, you know, those relationships are so valuable and without them, I would not be who I am today. So I think that, that and cultivating those relationships, in addition to i, something I’ve newly formed, I haven’t really had a big breakup, period, I should say, breakup period, because I tend to like, just want to and all relationships all at the same time. So I do that occasionally. Um, and I haven’t done that in a while, probably not going to do it again. But I dating myself was a really, really positive experience for me.

Erik 56:52
Good way to put it.

Chastain 56:52
Yeah, I dated myself and I took that time I would be spending on trying to find a partner trying to get a partner trying to obtain sex, all that stuff. I took At that time, and I, you know, I worked on me, I worked on stuff I was interested in, I read a lot of books, I went to places by myself. And that was that was new for me and really, really important, and really helped me get over the like, I need somebody else in my life. And granted, I wasn’t single, I was still married. But I think Max, you’ve benefited from me taking that time for myself as well, because it allowed me to see the value in the time that you need to take for yourself.

57:24
Yeah, I am interested. I was surprised outside of the realm of breakups. Yeah, I think it’s fair to say that during our you have had periods of more energy for dating than periods of less energy for that. And I would never expect you to come to me and say like, we’re being monogamous for a while because like, I don’t feel like going on dates it it’s never seemed that structured and I know that you know, in a breakup situation that may feel a little bit more black and white. But yeah, that’s something about me is something about that phrasing is kind of bugging me. Like I would not expect you to announce that make it a policy for both of us or anything. And I also wouldn’t be like, Oh, no, I have Max’s undivided attention. This is gonna be terrible or great or like, that’s not the assumption I would take from that it would be that you had other priorities or that you were in an introspective period, you know, it can be so many things that are not just like, wow, I guess I’m just taking the full brunt of all your relationship like needs right now.

Chastain 58:26
I think this post comes from a place of insecurity. Yeah, I think this post comes from a place of not of not being sure you can meet those needs, and therefore already deciding you can’t, and also a place of, you know, if the other person wants to be monogamous, typically, that means like, I feel unsure about myself. So the idea of you with other people right now feels hurtful for some reason. And therefore I need some time to think about that and whatnot. And I think that’s a perfectly valid way to feel, but it’s how we communicate about it. You know, like the majority of times that I have asked for that pause or break or what have you are times when I have been under emotional, like, just complete emotional stress. And I and I could not do the thing myself to make those insecure feelings go away. So I needed that I needed some security from other places in my life, but I’ve learned since that you know what, um, you know, somebody like you somebody else has nothing to do with me. That’s the thing that it took me a while to learn in life. So now that I know that it’s pretty cool like, you know, I’ll do what you want. Alright, I have one last one. How do you explain being polyamorous? I tried explaining it like, quote, my boyfriend makes me feel whole but I also feel like someone’s missing unquote. We talked about puzzle pieces in our toxic monogamy episode.

Max 59:52
It doesn’t sound like he’s blaming that those specifically explaining being polyester. Fine. Yeah, cameras. Yeah. You know

Chastain 60:00
And we feel defensive about the things we don’t feel

Max 60:02
secure. And, you know, if I was if you dropped off the last part, if the question was how do you explain being polyamorous?

Chastain 60:09
Well, let’s go there and then go live with the rest of us.

Max 60:11
So with that question sounds like to me is how do you explain the function of it? And it’s how does it work? And it’s the thing that when we were talking a few conversations ago about being out to people about being out to people, I, especially with the job, like speed through it, and I kind of go like, Alright, look, here’s the deal. Alright, look, here’s the deal. Like, can I date other people, so no big deal? That’s all you need to know. You know what I mean? Like, but to explain, I guess. So then the way that that what they’re really saying is to explain why you are what you are. And I think why you do what you do.

Chastain 60:50
So the little story that plays in my mind when I read this, when I read this post, is this is somebody who’s sitting at a dinner table with their parents, and they’re trying To explain what’s going on in their life to their parents, and their base, they’re either they’re coming out or they are do feel like they’re in a place where they have to justify a choice that they’re making in their lives because they feel judged or insecure about it. So that’s the little story I have playing like there’s a bowl of peas on the table. So in that case, when you’re trying to explain it to somebody is questioning your judgment because of you choosing relationship style. How do you handle that? Have you experienced that?

61:34
Many people in my life have directly asked me, Why do you think this is okay? And it’s so difficult not to jump down that rabbit hole that’s offered to you and be like, Well, here are all the reasons it’s everything’s fine. And consent. Just it’s a trap. And I have tried to redirect this.

Erik 61:54
Why did you just look at me so far?

Chastain 61:57
Because you’re you do a great Admiral Akhbar.

Max 62:02
Don’t act like Yeah, I

Erik 62:03
love it. I also suppressed it. I looked at it. Okay, okay. I don’t drop. Yeah. Terrible one.

Chastain 62:11
Okay. We celebrate.

Erik 62:14
It was a it was a meta trap because I was trapped into saying.

Chastain 62:22
Okay, Eric, yeah. Do you had something that you were gonna say? Is I gonna go? What are you trying to

Erik 62:27
say? Well, I was starting to say that. I’ve had almost like the polar opposite of that described experience where it’s not people that are questioning my judgment. It’s like, Hey, where do I sign up?

Max 62:43
Yeah, that’s, you know, I’ve told the story about written emails to your sister, where I felt it necessary to and, and, you know, and and like, when I do come out to peer, it’s like, Okay, cool. Anyway, what’s the funny story that you wanted to tell? Yeah. Yeah, I

63:01
think I’ve gotten better at, like crafting towards my current audience. You know, because I think in the past when I’ve said, like, I’m polyamorous and here’s what that means. And here’s how it applies to my life, a lot of follow up questions, and this made me uncomfortable. Whereas, you know, their co workers who maybe Max, I’ve met you, and if I say something like, Max and I don’t have an exclusive relationship, and we don’t plan to, they don’t ask any follow up questions, because that’s language that’s more a frame to them. Yeah,

Chastain 63:34
you know, I haven’t had anybody challenge it. Because I also really don’t have anybody in my life right now who doesn’t support like just being yourself. And by a lot of choice, you know, just by removing elements from my life that I find toxic. You know, I feel very privileged that I’ve been able to lead this life with a lot of understanding and support, and that’s been really great for me. I do get The occasional like, why do you think this is okay? I do get the occasional like, well like, like, how could you raise your son like that? I get those comments, questions concern things from people who were more vanilla. You know, it’s usually like friends from high school who like just randomly messaged me and like I saw you’re polyamorous and like, I don’t know, that just I don’t understand. You don’t have to write well and no is a complete sentence. So as I am polyamorous, it doesn’t require any further explanation. If people have follow up questions, it’s their responsibility to ask them. So I don’t give a lot of explanations, but I am very out about who I am and what I do.

Max 64:38
Yeah, I don’t know. I guess it’s a function cage. Err. Yeah, I just don’t really do this question.

Erik 64:43
Well, there’s also scribing to spread out a little

Chastain 64:48
more chicks. That’s awesome.

Erik 64:50
No, but in a more realistic manner that people don’t question that in me is much, purely because it doesn’t matter as much with me. I went by myself, I don’t really have responsibilities to other people in the strict familial sense. I don’t have dependents or anything like that. So what if what do you care? Yeah, sure. So in that sense, it’s not really something that people are coming in judging me for it, because, of course, that’s what you do.

65:24
How about this? Someone’s missing?

Erik 65:27
Yeah, that was the other part of that was kind of weird. Like that. I think you you, Max said it in the sense that, like, it’s hard to see whether they’re asking about the philosophy or the dynamic of it.

Max 65:41
Yeah. Yeah. And just like I do, because we want to do it. We don’t have to make up a philosophical justification. Yeah.

Chastain 65:50
Anything else on that one?

65:53
Well, it sounds like we’re done here. Yeah. We won.

Max 65:57
Okay, so all right. Let me add a little extra thought like, it’s not necessary to make a philosophical about why we do it. But ethical of why it’s okay to do. Why do I think this is? Okay.

Chastain 66:11
Yeah, that question. I’ve had that exact question, Hannah. And I’ve had it. I mean, I’ve had that question like, since I was in the corporate environment, like, right, yeah.

66:20
And that’s important, dissipate every objection somebody has to what you do, and right. So,

Erik 66:25
the Judo response to that is well, why do you think it’s not okay? Which there would be plenty of things to fire back up. So,

Chastain 66:33
here are the things they fire back the things they fire back are. You’re an adulterer. The things they fire back are like here, the Bible verses that say what a sinner you are.

66:42
You’re violating the great,

Chastain 66:46
yeah. Well, and and like, but how can you call yourself a Christian? And also I don’t, but I do. You know, I am a Christian. And so yeah, I’ve had these questions. I’ve had the job. I’ve had the like, like, so you’re a slut, right? Like, so you just fuck a bunch of people like, and but and I do respond that way in most contexts, but the problem is, is that back then I didn’t have the language or the or the confidence in it because it was sort of a, like, just trying to protect my identity and not get fired and yeah, yeah, so yeah, I mean, like, I like I can be assertive with who I am and my identity and I don’t need other people to validate it for me. But when the question why do you think this is okay? For some reason that one hits you know, Hannah, do you know I’m talking about Yeah,

Erik 67:38
um, yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about as well. Because it is it’s not just questioning what you do. It’s question and my ex Yeah, my character.

67:48
Yeah. Yeah. What was wrong with you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. made this Yeah.

Chastain 67:52
Yeah, I’ve had people that you know, people who know I’m kinky have just blatantly asked, were you abused as a child? They’ve asked us About polyamory to

Erik 68:01
Dr. Drew approach

Max 68:02
is all terrible. Yeah, they the one anecdote that I have as close to that is that a former partner sort of outed me to our that, you know, I was at least interested in polyamory that I was reading a message at the time. It was yahoogroups. Yeah. words about Holly. And his response was like, Oh, yeah, like the church is kind of isn’t cool with that. And I was like, Yeah, I know that. He’s like, Alright, we’re done with that conversation. Like, he fulfilled his obligation. And once that was done, we were fine. I think we went back to talking about

Chastain 68:36
I think that maybe in a future episode, maybe we could do a little research and think about, like, in what way is wrong with in terms of, like contemporary Christianity, like what? What is it? What is it that we’re doing that hurts Anybody else? It’s not it’s all sanctity of marriage and repopulation of the species, right? Yes,

68:55
I’ve, you know, I’ve tried or I’ve seen people try to turn that back into This is consensual and if you need a reason for why it’s okay, that’s why but definitely in Christians that gets twisted really fast, I would love to do some research and are there because I get a lot of like well there are plenty things that can be done consensually that are evil like I don’t actually know if that’s true Okay, I have to give that with some serious thought I think we fundamentally disagree on that.

Chastain 69:26
I love it got it I love that my like drunken like hey, let’s do a whisper episode has turned into now we have this other episode we can talk. So good job, everybody. Anything further to say about anything?

69:39
You’re welcome whisper we’ve answered all of your questions.

Chastain 69:43
I think this would be a fun a fun little segment to bring back from time to time so

Max 69:47
yeah, so we’ll probably revisit not a whole episode maybe but we’ll just do like a like here’s our question of the week or what have you. I’m repetitive I do think that a lot of Reddit are just like fantasy fulfillment.

Erik 69:58
I agree with that. You’re throwing it out there. To throw it out there

Chastain 70:01
Well, I mean, just based on the number of

Max 70:03
money to like to get a rise in your fantasy. Yeah. Because if you say something about sex or relationships in those forums, somebody’s going to talk to you. Yep, you know?

Chastain 70:17
Yep, hundred percent, which is why I just lurk

Max 70:21
and report pedophiles.

Chastain 70:24
I like to learn and I like to report the pedos Okay, so I’m wrapping that up, we have a couple fun things coming up. We are going to do our cult cast media club episode that’s gonna be coming out soon next week or so. If you’re interested in checking that out. You can go to patreon.com slash pod podcast,

Max 70:45
go with me

Chastain 70:46
and you can support us. We appreciate your support. Your support helps us continue the podcast keep our episodes available indefinitely so you can go back and revisit and helps us make sure that we’re bringing you full An awesome content please support us on Patreon we want to thank our Patreon supporters for for so generously supporting the show and believing in us. If you have any questions send us an email at the pod at pod pod podcast calm. Yeah, anything else for the road

Max 71:13
Americans still suck it

Chastain 71:14
Have a great week everybody. You’ve just heard the pod pod podcast with your hosts Max, Hannah Chaston and Eric our theme music is Spencer blues by Lobo loco, our break music is Garbarino from YouTube, subscribe and review on iTunes or check us out on your favorite player visit our website at www dot pod podcast calm to find all of our show notes and follow us on social media. Thank you so much for listening

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• Hosts: Max, Chastain, Hannah, & Erik
• Website: www.podpodcvltcast.com
• Email: thepod@podpodcvltcast.com
• Title Music: “Spencer – Bluegrass” by Lobo Loco
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